The complicated ties that bind women active duty members and women military spouses.

Author’s Note: The terms man/men and woman/women are used in the essay below. While these are the specific genders and roles about which the author is speaking, the author is aware that this is hetero- and gender-normative language. There is no direct or malicious intent to exclude or harm anyone.

Women have been involved with the military since 1775, even if it hasn’t always been in an official role. Even if we’ve had to disguise ourselves as men to serve the country, we’ve done it. This has not always been an easy task or an easy job; we knew it would not be, but nevertheless, we persisted. We expected that there would be pushback from our men counterparts. We knew that we would have to work twice as hard to earn the same amount of respect. And we knew that, at the end of the day, there would still be people actively working against us, exploiting us, and sometimes our own brothers in arms would be the ones from whom we were in the most danger.

Yet the common vision of the woman active duty servicemember held by most women military spouses is one of a promiscuous, predatory… well, whore, for lack of a better word. Women military spouses view women active duty members with a healthy dose of skepticism, suspicion, and in some cases with outright disdain.

Is any of this warranted? Perhaps. It is impossible to discuss this situation without acknowledging that there are women active duty members who have slept with men active duty members, and sometimes that has been regardless (or in spite of) the man’s marital status. Because the military spouse community – and the military community in general – is so small, stories spread like wildfire once the word gets out. And if you have ever played the game of telephone, you may be all too familiar with how the original story can become warped in the passing.

As a woman and a prior active duty service member, I can tell you that there are definitely tight bonds between the women and men of the armed services. There are also times where the lines get fuzzy, perhaps alcohol is involved, or even a simple situation of high emotions and things happen. And while I can’t explain everything, I can tell you at least one thing:

The woman service member certainly wasn’t the only one present in whatever incident of infidelity occurred, but that’s often forgotten when there’s a potential witch to tie to a stake.

None of this is to say that there is a total lack of basis for women military spouses to have their fears and worries. Active duty women are on the same deployments, sharing the same experiences. They have a connection with that man that the military spouse will never have. And I know these things from having to admit to, deal with, and unpack my own jealousy.

I do not believe that feelings of jealousy are an indicator of problems within a marital relationship. I do believe, though, that the presence of jealousy needs to be addressed before it festers and poisons the marital relationship. Because the anxiety that inspires jealousy is real, legitimate, and valid. We are allowed to have fears and be less than perfect in our feelings; no one should ever tell you that negative feelings make you less than. But what I will say is that negative feelings (anxiety, jealousy, anger, et al) need to be addressed so that the source can be processed.

I had so much of my own issues to unpack and process so that I could see my own husband’s relationships for what they were. And at the end of the day, it was more like he’d just gained some sisters – or, depending on age, we had just honorarily adopted.

You see, as a veteran, the one thing I want women military spouses to know is that 99.5% of us want nothing to do with your partner in a romantic sense. And you may be jealous of us seeing your partner every day while they are deployed and we just want to know how in the world you put up with him and, yes, you can absolutely take him back as soon as possible.

All women servicemembers want is to do their job. To be treated with respect. To walk on base and go to work and socialize with their peers without the fear of sexual assault, rape, or accusations of adulterous behavior.

Looking back at my earlier years now, when I was active duty, I see so many times when the comfort and advice of a woman military spouse could have had such a positive impact on my life. Especially when I was young and fresh out of my parental home. Particularly when I was having trouble adjusting to my own married life. And even more so when I was struggling as a mother. It was so hard to find someone to talk to and to hang out with when I couldn’t be honest with my coworkers (oh, could I write about the way we are set up to compete with and backstab each other). And I felt incredibly unwanted by the spouse community – which carried over when I transitioned into civilian life as a military spouse.

I wasn’t perfect by any standards. I was an angry young woman. Defensive. I’m sure I gave plenty of people plenty of reasons to stay away. But when I was enlisted? It would have made a huge difference to have some kindness from the spouse community. And that is what I wish women military spouses would walk away with: women service members often feel alienated by women military spouses. Please. Be kind.

For as much as we seem like opposites, we are in this together. We need each other. And we could all do with more kindness.

Next time: An essay about marginalized spouses