I hate admitting I’m a convert. I don’t feel like a convert; rather, I feel like conversion was just stepping into where my soul always has been. But I wanted to write about some of the worries and anxieties with which I’m wrestling as we approach PCS, and the fact that we had to convert to Judaism plays a role. So. Here we are.

The big joke in Judaism is that guilt is part and parcel of the whole cultural experience. My Catholic friends will happily debate me on who guilts who more, of course, and it’s a fun debate. For a convert, though, anxiety accompanies the guilt that we pile on ourselves, and half the time I do not even remember what I feel guilty for, I just feel guilty. Now, I can’t speak for all converts, of course, but from what I’ve seen, a lot of what I feel isn’t unique.

Specific to PCS is seeing family again, some of whom we haven’t seen in quite a few years. The kids, of course, have grown taller and wiser, but MarvMan and I have grown and changed over time as well. And it doesn’t matter how many times a family member tells you that they support your conversion or that they accept you no matter what; you are always going to worry.

Growing up, my family was incredibly participatory in various church communities. Youth group was huge for me. I did so well at performing to standards set before me; as a gifted child, I was such a good people-pleaser, whether or not I actually felt passionate about something. Someone else wanted me to perform and there would be accolades and head-patting. I was there. There were encouragements that I would one day work in worship or some type of outreach ministry. My overachieving, people-pleasing self, lived for the praise I received for excelling in these areas.

Going home is now fraught with worry. Did we talk so little about our religion before? Is that why no one talks about my conversion? Are they embarrassed? Have I let people down? Will people think they failed somehow knowing I converted and no longer believe in Jesus as the Messiah?

On the other side of the coin, with my husband’s family, is concern that I’ll be viewed as some sort of witch or ruinous person for having led their son away from his Southern Baptist roots and into Judaism. That I’m ruining my children by raising them Jewish.

I need to be clear. No one has actually said these things to me or my husband.

I’m just pretty sure they’re fears that most converts have if the rest of their family (either side or both sides) isn’t Jewish. And perhaps even more if they live a great distance away and don’t have the time in person to really sort out how everything will work once separate holidays and worship routines are established.

But the worry and anxiety I feel seem strange sometimes. What will it change, exactly? What will be different if they were or are unhappy with the path we are now on spiritually?

Because at the end of the day, I’m still going to be Jewish. My husband and my children are still going to be Jewish. Disapproval or disappointment will not change that and will not sway me.

So why do I worry? Why am I so full of anxiety?