It’s about that time, isn’t it? Port visits. And we all know what that means:

Wifi

Skype/Hangouts/FaceTime/your video chat host of choice

Pictures

Souvenirs

Tours/trips

Shenanigans

We’ll skip the discussion about finances for now. There’s too many variables and too many different situations, and I’ve found that there’s no one solution for everyone. But there’s a potentially bigger matter at hand, anyway.

Jealousy. Anger. Resentment.

Not long ago, when he first started discussing port visits with me, when he first started showing me the possible tours… I got pissed off. I mean, seriously? At the time, I was also handling a rough day; my eldest had a migraine, complete with vomiting, my youngest was in a hell of a mood, and I was trying to make the time to chat with him in between wiping up vomit. Not the ideal situation to discuss the glorious vistas he’ll be taking in while visiting an exotic location.

And a lot of it arose from the early end my own military career saw years ago.

That could’ve been me. Should’ve been me.

But here I am, cleaning up frickin kid vomit. And he wants me to help him pick what tours he’s gonna go on.

Yeah, some difficulty deployment is for him, right?

Sometimes, it’s hard to see their struggles through the distance. Especially through a sheen of kid vomit. Especially when maybe work for you right now is utter shit. When you’re having family problems, friend problems, the car broke down, the dog had to go to the vet and the bill is ridiculous or the prognosis isn’t good. Or maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

But I want you to know: there’s nothing your partner would rather have than you by their side. They have moments where they look out over this place they’re getting to discover and the only thing that’s missing? Is you. And, suddenly, missing you feels like a sucking chest wound. They would trade, in a heartbeat, the exotic locale they’re visiting for a night on the couch and Netflix and Chill, just to be home and be with you. Really, they would.

And you should know, too: you’re valid in your feelings. Who wouldn’t want to go see those sights? Who wouldn’t want to, basically, get paid to be a tourist for a few days?

We know the sacrifices they’re making in exchange. We know the difficulties. The veteran spouses (and I mean prior active duty, not done this for awhile) know intimately the living conditions, the working conditions, how difficult it can be, the absolute suckitude it is to be away from loved ones with infrequent communications at best, traveling into certain danger.

So, no, it’s not all sunshine and roses for your partner. You know this. But sometimes, the logic fails and the emotional side takes over. Today was so different for me.

Today, when he started sharing pictures with me of his first port visit, I felt a rush of absolute joy. Deep down? I want him to enjoy this. I want him to soak everything up he can. I want the pictures, I want the stories. I want him to forget about that floating tin can for just a few hours. To remember what being human is like again. And that welled up and I found myself typing furiously to get messages across.

What was it like? Where did you go? How long was the hike? Do you have more pictures? Tell me _everything_!

But if you’re still stuck in the jealousy phase? That’s okay. If you’re having to fake it til you make it? That’s okay. You feel how you feel and nobody else should be allowed to invalidate that. Ever. Do what you need to do.

Be honest about how you feel.

Fake it til you make it.

Build a blanket fort.

Go for a run.

Get out of your head.

Find a pillow and scream.

Do something creative.

Constructive.

Destructive.

And I’ll squeal happily right along with you when you get your box of souvenirs.

Cause I heard there’s some awesome candy there. And he may have bought it mostly for the kids, but you’re damn right I’m gonna have some.

Fill your glass. Have a few.

Cheers. We’re a little bit closer.

 

This work by Lin Clements is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.