This post is brought to you courtesy common things people say. This hasn’t been inspired by any one person in particular, and please don’t think I’ve ever taken offense to being told “You don’t look like [insert thing here]” because I haven’t. What you have done, though, is made me stop and think.

I’ve often been told I don’t look like what people imagine when they picture one of the many things that describe who and what I am. Which I suppose makes sense, because there’s a lot of ingrained ideas – many of which are antiquated – we’ve collected over the years. The majority of these ideas are built upon, if not entirely based on, stereotypes. Sometimes they’re fair assessments, sometimes they’re not.

So what don’t I look like?

A Military Wife

I have been really lucky to meet a lot of different people, both while active duty and as a spouse. And I really, really want to say I don’t know what people are talking about when they say I don’t look like a military wife, because is that even a thing? Except it is. And it goes two ways.

Recognizing a military wife is a lot like recognizing someone who’s been active duty. Even if their haircut is a little grown in, it’s in the way they walk, the way they carry themselves. So, too, is it about those minor details with spouses. There’s something different about the way spouses walk, carry themselves, and even conduct themselves.

But there is, of course, the other end of the spectrum, where we have the caricature “Dependa” stereotype. This one is… it’s damaging, to say the least, and incredibly hurtful to those at whom it’s lobbed. And I don’t want to give it much time, except that it implies that spouses are overweight, lazy, benefit grabbers who are basically just abusing the system. Which is rarely the case.

But it’s sure similar to some other stereotypes of civilians, isn’t it?

The truth is, military spouses run the gamut of nationality, physical build, body shape, hair color, eye color, personality, faith, sexual orientation and identification… We’re a really diverse group. And we should start capitalizing on that and putting that out there more often.

Probably, though, the real reason I don’t look like a “military wife” has to do with the fact that I’m…

A Veteran

Except I apparently don’t look like one of those, either!

I posted on my personal Facebook page, asking people to tell me what they think of when they hear the word veteran. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the response I expected. And I say unfortunately only because I know the stereotype. But I’ve got a lot of fellow vets and military families on my friends list, so they know the typical mental image isn’t true across the board.

The numbers of young veterans are growing by the day, even though the majority of people identify veterans as older people. Which isn’t to throw shade on veterans who are in their older years, either. There are also a lot more female veterans, and the typical mental image is that of a man.

So I’m young, and I’m a woman, which really throws people for a loop when they learn that I’m also…

Someone With PTSD

Again, we tend to conflate PTSD with combat, and combat with male veterans. But the truth of the matter is that while PTSD became more widely known through the struggles of combat veterans, it isn’t restricted to just that. Trauma causes PTSD, and not one specific kind or another. My PTSD isn’t from combat.

And people with mental illnesses don’t ever look like they’re sick. It’s not ever immediately apparent that we’re struggling with anything. And a lot of us? Prefer to keep it that way. PTSD isn’t necessarily something you talk about. There’s often a lot of guilt and shame attached that makes us want to hide away. We still deal with American attitudes toward mental illness that shame us for being “weak” in the mind and consider counseling and psychotherapy to be “quack medicine.”

It’s not easy in the least. And we will never look like what you expect, like the images put out through television and movies. Because it’s a silent, invisible war we’re fighting – with ourselves.

While I don’t look like any of the above things, it doesn’t change the fact that they are very much a part of who I am. They’re also not all of who I am, and so maybe it’s actually a good sign that I don’t look like what people expect. Because I’ve worked really hard to not let any singular thing or aspect of my life define me entirely. I’m a more complex and beautiful machine than a single descriptor can really capture.

So thank you. I don’t look like any one thing, and I thank you for acknowledging that. Maybe it’ll inspire you to ask more, to learn more. Cause I’ll be happy to have some coffee and chat. ❤